


There's Not a Word in the World That Could Explain This Feeling

by AppalachianApologies



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: A quick nod to Erin Strauss and Spencer Reid, Alex Blake is a Badass, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional pain, F/M, Hurt Alex Blake, and it's not even my fault this time it's canon, but they suffer a lot, but uh, fuck this fic is painful, mostly in the first half, so is james, so much emotional hurt, there are some cute parts, you probably already know what's happening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28155759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppalachianApologies/pseuds/AppalachianApologies
Summary: Alex didn't think about family when she was growing up. But as she got older, she didn't have a choice.Aka, Alex Blake's life through family.
Relationships: Alex Blake/James Blake
Comments: 18
Kudos: 20





	There's Not a Word in the World That Could Explain This Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Massive spoilers for 9x24, tw for talk of menstruation and periods, if that's something that bothers you I wouldn't recommend this fic
> 
> 2) As I'm sure a lot of you know, I love doing research for my fics, I really do, and I did a lot of research for this one. I watched documentaries of women going through menopause, I read article after article of people losing their children, and holy fuck, I never want to do research about this again. which brings us to
> 
> 3) This is the only fic that I have cried during: research, writing, and editing. This shit is sad.
> 
> A special thanks to [themethaphorgirl,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/themetaphorgirl) who helped me with the events in Alex's life. She's fucking incredible and she gives so much justice to Alex Blake I highly highly recommend reading all of her stuff if you haven't already!

Alexandra Miller didn’t think about families.

At least, not in the way that a lot of her classmates did. Sure, when she was in elementary school she played pretend and played House, but that’s the furthest extent. It didn’t take long for her to figure out that she liked to read more than horse around with her peers.

She had a great life. She never had to think about family. Alex had a mom, a dad, and a couple of brothers. Some of her classmates also had a brother or a sister, and that’s what she knew about family.

It was in middle school that things started to get more interesting. Some classmates’ parents started divorcing, step moms had new children, and it began the era of preteens hating their family.

Alex never really went through that. She liked her parents just fine. Sure, her brothers liked to rough house and pissed her off all the time, but they were family. And Alex loved her family.

It’s the end of sixth grade that sets Alex on edge. She goes to the bathroom, takes one look at her underwear and immediately calls out for her mom.

She hates being on her period.

It feels gross, it smells gross, and it’s just all around uncomfortable. She moans and complains to her mom, who tells her,

“It’s natural for girls and women. It’s how we have children.”

Frankly, Alex thinks that it’s ridiculous. She’s eleven years old. Why would she ever have to think about children? It’s not like she’s going to make a family of her own any time soon. Or ever, for that matter.

Boys are gross and annoying.

Much to her annoyance, Alex makes the connection that she’s going to have a period for the next forty years of her life. She can’t even think about how long that is. It could be a million years for all she knows.

Alex hates it. Her brothers don’t understand, and her mom is used to it, so the first few times she gets her period, she suffers through it alone. It’s supid. And dumb.

Why would she need to be able to have kids?

Seventh grade health class comes along, and with it, embarrassed kids with red faces and horrified eyes. There are some things that Alex wishes could’ve been left to the imagination.

When the teacher isn’t looking, Alex reads a book in her lap and pretends that she doesn’t have to learn anything about bodies, because, eww, they’re gross.

In ninth grade, Alex finally gets to take accelerated and gifted courses, but she only does so in English. She takes Honors and AP courses, creative writing, any type of literature she can get her hands on. 

Math and science on the other hand? Those don’t go so well.

Danny leaves for college, and it feels like her family gets a bit smaller, even though he’s just a few states over.

And then her dad dies, and their family changes.

Family has been the one constant in her life, and now it’s been ripped to shreds. Her dad is stolen from her in the blink of an eye, and for the longest time, it doesn’t even feel real.

For days, weeks, months on end, Alex wakes up with her chest hurting. It’s as if her dad left a physical hole in her soul. Alex doesn’t think that there’s any pain in the world worse than it.

She cries day after day, tear after tear, her only wish to get her father back. 

Alex pours herself into dark literature, finding the words of others who have struggled, and somehow climbs her way out of the pit. Reading the poems of broken men and women reminds Alex that she can get through this. Other people have, so she can too.

Her classmates and peers get pissed off when they have to analyze chunks of literature, but it’s a nice reprieve for Alex. It’s a strange soothing type of feeling, that she can’t quite explain.

Alex goes to college, leaving her family.

College is everything that she hoped it was. There are people everywhere who share her love for academia, and it’s nothing like the hell that was highschool. Some people go to college to run from their families, and others  _ because of  _ their families.

Somehow though, everyone finds their own little families in college, even if they don’t realize it. What were cliques in highschool become the bestest of friends in college. Alex meets people that she knows she’ll be keeping in touch with for the rest of her life.

Even though they’re not bound by blood, Alex meets her family.

In her junior year, Alex loses her virginity.

There’s so many allusions to chastity and virginity in literature, and it’s one of the few things that Alex finds extraordinarily stupid. It’s not like it’s anything physical that she literally loses. 

All the critical authors are male, claiming things about women that Alex knows isn’t true. The idea of virginity pisses her off.

Of course, that’s not exactly the thought going through her brain when it happens.

Sex is… fun. It’s weird. It’s simultaneously horrifying and exhilarating, and despite her studies, Alex doesn’t have nearly enough adjectives to explain it. 

And then it’s over.

It’s over, and all Alex can think about is all of the things that could go wrong. What if she gets an STD? What if she gets an incurable STD? What if the condom broke? What if the condom didn’t break, and she still gets pregnant?

She can’t have a child, she’s barely twenty one! The thought absolutely terrifies her to the core. She wants to get a doctorate. How’s Alex going to manage that with a child?

And- oh god- what if it’s twins? Triplets? Last month she read an article about a woman in North Carolina who had quadruplets!

Alex’s roommate finds her freaking out on the floor of their dorm room, crying ugly tears.

She calms her down, talks her through everything, and Alex feels a bit better.

Still though, the idea of having a child nearly sends her back into a panic. Despite the fact that she grew up in a great family, Alex doesn’t think she could do the same for a child of her own. Having to take care of another human being is a terrifying thought.

She probably couldn’t even take care of a goldfish, if her life came down to it.

Two weeks later, when Alex gets her period, she almost cries. Despite the fact that it feels like her uterus is slowly stabbing her from the inside out, Alex has never felt better.

She’s not pregnant. She’s not pregnant!

Alex isn’t going to have a kid, and she nearly shouts it from the rooftops. To say she’s relieved is a bit of an understatement. 

Even before Alex started college, she knew that she was going to try to get a Doctorate. When she walks in her robes to claim her Bachelor’s degree, it feels like a halfway point.

If she’s being honest, it doesn’t even feel like that much of an accomplishment. It’s just a means to the real prize at the end.

Grad school is different for Alex.

She rents an apartment, a tiny little thing with one and a half rooms, and actually has to work at taking care of herself. All of a sudden, Alex now has to go grocery shopping for herself, buy cleaning supplies for the bathroom, wash dishes all day every day, and it feels weird. 

For the first time in her life, Alex almost feels like an adult. The first month is difficult, but she learns how to care for onself. A few months later, she gets quite good at taking care of herself. Maybe she could handle a goldfish at this point.

As an english major, Alex stays as far away from the science building as she possibly can. It’s not that she hates science or anything, but she definitely wouldn’t touch it with a six foot pole. Or a ten foot pole.

Somehow though, she finds herself inside of the foyer, awkwardly standing with her hand wrapped around her elbow, waiting for her friend to finish a lab so they can get coffee together. 

Her awkwardness must be evident, because she keeps getting looks from this other student, who moves everytime Alex looks back at him.

Finally, he seems to gain the confidence to stand up and ask her, “Are you- do you- Are you looking for someone? I could help you?”

Alex’s first thought is that he certainly doesn’t  _ look  _ like a nerdy science major. Her second thought is to actually answer. “I’m good,” She smiles. “I’m just waiting for a friend.”

“Oh,” He nods. “Cool.” After a swallow and a look in the other direction, the boy then asks, “Do you- uh- would you like company? While you wait?”

Alex gives him a confused look, a little off put, before her brain connects the dots.

Oh.  _ Oh. _

He’s asking because he likes her.

Like a crush.

Like a highschool crush.

Despite the fact that it’s not exactly a mutual feeling, Alex still feels heat rush to her cheeks. She’s only dated one person before, and that didn’t even feel like dating. They were fifteen. They couldn’t even drive.

The boy is still looking at her, and Alex feels guilty enough to nearly smack her head. “Sure. Yeah. I’m Alex, by the way.”

Relief obvious on his face, the student quickly replies, “Oh nice. I’m James.”

It’s really clear to Alex that he has a crush on her, despite the fact that they’ve never met before. The term ‘love at first sight’ comes to mind. Of course, all Alex can think about is all of the times in literature when love at first sight has gone wrong.

Somehow, against all odds, after meeting with him two more times, she feels absolutely smitten. 

It doesn’t feel anything like freshman year of highschool, either. She gets butterflies in her stomach.  _ Butterflies. _ She’s in her twenties, and she has butterflies in her stomach when she sees James.

Like all of the cliches she reads about, Alex thinks that she's completely in love.

Smitten.

Head over heels.

Utterly devoted.

A pure infatuation.

All toward a boy. It seemed like just yesterday Alex was declaring boys to be gross and loud, and just all around disgusting.

James is in the same year as her. They work toward their respective Masters’ (Alex in English Literature, and James in Chemistry), until they finally decide to admit their love for each other.

Their first official date is nearly a year into seeing each other, but Alex doesn’t even care. She’d be willing to spend years and years with James, regardless of their relationship.

He talks about being a doctor as Alex writes papers, James finishes lab notes as she reads out old poetry.

Despite the differences in their interests, Alex can’t help but feel like they’re meant to be, as stupid and cliche as that sounds.

She tells her mother and brothers, who are all far too suspicious and protective over Alex. The first time her brothers meet James, they circle him like sharks in a pond, before deciding that he’s good enough. Alex’s mom spends a long time just staring him down, until she suddenly welcomes him with open arms and smiles.

It feels like her family has grown by one person, even if she won’t admit that to anyone. After all, he’s just a boyfriend she made at college.

Of course, next year he turns into a boyfriend that lives with her, and the year after that, he turns into the boyfriend that picked a medical school based off of where Alex was going to live.

The back of Alex’s mind tells her that he’s probably more than just a boyfriend.

Like the young adults they are, they have sex. It’s nothing like Alex’s first time though. 

Before, it was slightly horrifying. Now though, it’s great. She suddenly understands why all of her outgoing friends always talk about sex.

They use a condom, but Alex isn’t afraid. Worst comes to worst, she’ll get pregnant. And the part that really scares her, is that she wouldn’t even mind.

She’s been living with James, and she loves him. She fucking loves him. The idea of having a family with him it’s- it’s exhilarating. It’s an incredible feeling.

And James must feel the same way, because somehow between rounds of residency, he’s able to buy a ring.

It’s cheesy, and embarrassing, and it looks like something out of a Hallmark movie, but James proposes. He gets down on one knee, fumbles with the damned hatch of the box, but Alex doesn’t notice because her vision is clouded with happy tears.

She feels like she’s a Disney princess. It’s a cheap ring, but neither of them care.

James goes through rotation after rotation at the hospital, and when Alex goes in for an interview at Quantico, she has a little ring on her left hand.

Everything in their life is perfect.

They both have jobs that will save people, and it’s an incredible feeling. It feels like the world was made for them.

It’s only a few weeks later that Alex and James decide to get married. It’s a small affair, both of them having tiny families. She dresses up in a white gown, and walks down the aisle with her brother, wondering if her dad somehow knows, even after death, what his daughter is doing. She certainly hopes so.

She’s never thought much about an afterlife, but Alex would like to think that her dad knows where she is right now.

They forgo a honeymoon. James is still working horrid hours at the hospital, and Alex is still stuffing in a doctorate on top of FBI work, and even if they had time, they certainly don’t have the money.

At least they’re almost at the point where they can see the light at the end of their student loans.

Their life feels perfect. And it seems like only one thing can make it better.

Alex has never been one to beat around the bush. “James. I want to have kids. With you. I want a family with you.”

Even though she wasn’t nervous, the smile from James is still all too relieving.

They get lucky. Sure, it helps that they’re both young, but they still get lucky when it comes to conceiving.

The first two times, Alex has never been so disappointed to get her period, and that’s including when she was eleven years old in her parent’s bathroom.

But then three weeks becomes four, and four becomes five, and Alex finally lets herself get her hopes up. She goes to the drug store on the way home, and that evening, she’s crying of happiness. 

After she’s told James, she still pees on two more tests, before she’s pretty damned sure that she’s pregnant.

Alex is pregnant.

She’s going to have a child. A human. She and James are going to create a human.

It’s a terrifying thought. There are so many things that could go wrong in pregnancy. James finds her with his medical books, looking up all of the problems that can occur during pregnancy, and infancy.

He stops her before she can get to toddlers. 

Alex is pregnant. And she’s as terrified as she is excited. As scared as she is prepared. 

She asks for maternity leave, which the FBI doesn’t give to her easily. Logically Alex understands that the organization is sexist as hell, but actually being denied maternity leave,  _ twice, _ is a whole new feeling.

Luckily, another woman is there to help her. She’s not as young as Alex, but she’s definitely not the age of all of the old men around her.

They introduce themselves with a handshake,

“Alex Blake,”

“Erin Strauss,”

And that’s that. They don’t work closely together, and they basically only see each other in passing. It’s nice though, having another woman in the building.

Alex gets morning sickness, which is an absolute mess, because it turns into night sickness, mid day sickness, and afternoon sickness. 

But, just as the books have predicted, by the end of the first trimester, she’s barely feeling nauseous anymore. Her emotions seem to have evened out a bit too, which is relieving to both her and James.

She no longer has midnight freak outs when it comes to the human inside of her.

For a minute, Alex almost misses the nausea when the back pain begins. She doesn’t get any other symptoms, no abdominal pain, no cramps, nothing else. Just the back pain.

And god, does it hurt.

No matter how she lies down, no matter how she walks or how she sits, Alex’s back hurts. There’s nothing she can do but take Tylenol and buy ten heating pads.

Of course, it all becomes worth it when she feels her baby kick for the first time.

Alex accidentally sends her husband into a panic, unable to get her words out. But as soon as James realizes the emotions are actually from, he’s just as happy.

Their baby spends a lot of time kicking. It’s wonderful, cute at first, but by the eleventh time Alex is woken up, she whispers to them, “You know, this is the time that I’m supposed to be able to get sleep. If I can’t sleep now, what’s it gonna be like when you’re out here, huh?”

Although she certainly wasn’t expecting a response, her baby kicks back.

It’s a feeling that she’ll never be able to explain. The amount of love she feels is insurmountable.

At some point a nurse asks her and James if they want to know the gender, but even without talking about it beforehand, both shake their heads. It doesn’t matter to Alex.

Late that night in bed, Alex confesses, “It feels like a boy.”

Rolling over to his stomach (lucky bastard, getting to move off his back), James questions, “How do you know?”

“I can’t explain it,” Alex whispers back. “I can just tell, you know?”

“No,” James chuckles, “I don’t know.”

With full confidence, Alex declares, “It’s a boy.”

Sure enough, it’s a boy.

Labor sucks. That’s the first way that Alex thinks about it.

She feels like hell, the clothes on her back feels like hell, and the scratchy sheets surely must be the same ones in hell. Labor is uncomfortable, long, and boring, of all things.

While she’s not suffering through contractions that tear her apart, she’s lying limply on the bed, wanting this child  _ out. _

Her damned body won’t dilate though, so she’s stuck in her own personal hell, James awkwardly standing beside her trying to give her motivations after every contraction.

Finally, after almost ten hours of labor, her kid is born.

She’s utterly exhausted and dehydrated, and she may have broken her husband’s hand, but Alex doesn’t care about any of that when she reaches for her kid.

“Here’s your son,” One of the nurses smiles, and Alex looks down at the little life she created.

He’s tiny. He’s really tiny. Nobody told Alex how small newborns actually are. She’s seen babies and infants on TV, but nothing like this. His head can fit in her palm, and his entire body, head to tiny toe, can’t even reach from her wrist to elbow.

He cries for a moment, but he’s suddenly fast asleep, and Alex doesn’t know what she should be doing with herself. So instead, cradling her baby to her chest, Alex looks up at James with awe.

James gives her the same face. “What do you want to name him?”

“He got through that labor,” Alex starts, staring down at his little bald head, “He can get through anything. Ethan.”

James’ lips curl into a soft smile. “And what does that mean, Doctor Blake?”

“It means he can endure anything in the world.”

Despite the long pregnancy, there’s nothing that went wrong, and the doctors let the Blakes leave after two days. 

Alex cradles him in the backseat the entire time back home, and at every red light, James looks in the rear view mirror to smile at them both. Everything is perfect.

James has to go back to work three days later, but Alex doesn’t mind. She’s just fine staying in the house alone with Ethan.

Alone with her little enduring baby.

Ethan is a good baby. He doesn’t cry as much as Alex was expecting, and he only throws up on her twice before she learns his tell. He’s rather demanding of food, but that’s fine with Alex. He’ll grow to be tall, she knows that for a fact.

Months into parenthood, James looks to his baby’s sleeping form and announces, “He’s a quiet baby.”

“Yeah,” Alex nods, “I’m sure he’ll have a lot to say when he’s older though.”

“Mmhm? A linguist like his mom?” James teases.

Rather than rise to the bait, Alex just reaches up to kiss her husband. 

The first day that Alex has to go back to work, she’s on edge the entire time. She’s spent time away from Ethan, she knows how, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it.

Quantico doesn’t give her any pity either. They throw her headfirst back into the mountains of paperwork that she’s missed, and Alex wishes, more than anything, that she was back home with Ethan.

At some point Erin comes by to congratulate her on the baby, which is a nice, albeit short, release from paperwork. 

Life continues on for the three Blakes, and nearly everyday Alex can’t believe how lucky she’s gotten. She loves her baby more than anything else in the world, and her heart swells when she thinks of the life that he’ll have.

Alex knows all of the parts of infancy development, and even if she didn’t, James knows it as well.

Ethan sits up at seven months, crawls at eleven, and takes his first steps at nearly fifteen months. Alex knows that every kid is different, that every kid starts learning skills in their own time, but it still sends tendrils of fear down her spine.

She shouldn’t be that concerned that her kid learned the respective skills at seven, eleven, and fifteen, even when the average baby learns it at six, nine, and twelve. She shouldn’t be concerned, but she still is. Because what if she really should be worried?

Through the corner of his eyes, James knows that his wife is worried, but he doesn’t know how to assuage her fears when he’s just as worried himself.

After work, Alex reads through any articles she can find. At twelve months her baby should’ve been able to haul themselves into a standing position, and at least walk with an adult. They should be able to poke at objects and pick up things in their little fists. They should be able to scribble with a crayon and hold a spoon.

At sixteen months, Ethan can barely do it. 

The only reason why she doesn’t immediately spiral into a panic is because Ethan still fits half of the criteria.

He began recognizing strangers at a year old, understanding language and even trying his own when it comes to simple words. He was already curious at things all around the house, often delighted at the noises that different objects make.

James is also worried about Ethan’s motor skills.

Each night, Alex comforts herself with the reminder that cognitively, Ethan is perfectly healthy. He’s probably just a late bloomer. These things happen. She’s probably just being an overprotective mother, really.

And then Ethan turns eighteen months, and he can finally walk by himself around the house. In the span of a day, it feels like he’s exceeded all expectations. All of a sudden, he manages to almost feed himself on the highchair, and can suddenly grab objects, no matter the size. Alex feels herself relax, and at that very moment, she knows that everything is going to be okay for her little family.

A day later, Alex screams bloody murder for James.

When she’ll look back at it, Alex will be amazed that none of the neighbors called 911.

James finds her on her knees, in near shock, as their child, their perfect baby, seizes on the ground. 

It’s short, it lasts barely a minute, but for a developing brain like Ethan’s, James understands his wife’s pure fear.

Ethan doesn’t know why he’s suddenly in the car, or why he’s in the hospital. All he knows is that it’s scary, and there are strangers around him, and wires on him.

Although he doesn’t know it, he’s not as scared as his mother.

The doctor’s can’t find anything.

They tell both Doctor Blakes that it could be a one off thing. That it sometimes happens to children. James looks like he’s about to throttle the doctor who reports it.

Instead, they go home, keeping an eye on Ethan for every waking second. James can’t sleep, and Alex doesn’t even try to.

For a while, it seems like the doctors were right. That nothing is actually wrong with their kid. For a few months, Ethan seems as healthy as any other child.

And then his head starts hurting, and no matter how much children’s Tylenol Alex gives him, it won’t stop. And then Ethan starts having trouble walking, even though he’d been able to for six months.

And then he has another seizure on the nursery floor as his mom sobs beside him.

James isn’t home, and Alex takes him to the hospital by herself, knee bouncing every second.

The doctors tell her that nothing’s wrong.

There’s evidence of a seizure on an EEG, but nothing to indicate that it’s a recurring problem. The doctor’s send Alex and her perfect child home with nothing but a couple hundred dollar medical bill.

When the next morning comes, Alex goes into work and begs for time off. She tells the higher ups about her sick child, but they aren’t sympathetic. 

But then Erin Strauss, who is now two ranks above her, pulls some strings, and Alex nearly sobs in relief in the middle of the room. She at least makes it to her car.

Ethan’s smart.

Alex knows that she’s not exactly unbiased, but anyone could see it. Ethan’s really fucking smart.

When his fingers cooperate with his brain, any puzzles can be solved in a matter of seconds. It’s incredible to watch.

As if taking after his mother, Ethan learns language faster than any other toddler that Alex knows. His vocabulary is already astounding, and Alex barely knows where he learned half of the words that come out of his mouth.

Ethan’s headaches come and go, and it’s become a staple for the Blake family. There’s nothing they can do about it, but hug him tight.

Some days, Ethan can’t stomach the sight of food, and other days he scarfs it down. Sometimes he can run up the stairs, and other days he can barely stand out of bed.

It’s unsettling, to say the least. 

Alex can barely stand herself. She feels useless. Her child, a human that relies on her is hurt, and she can’t do anything about it. The pain she feels in her chest is almost as bad as when her dad died. Everything hurts.

At some point, Alex has to go back to work, and she hates it. 

She knows that the babysitter looking after Ethan is more than qualified (especially if her hourly rate is anything to go off of), but Alex still can’t shake the feeling that something will go wrong, and she won’t be there in time.

It’s scary. Terrifying.

She works all day at Quantico, and when she comes home, her fears are just barely assuaged. It never lasts long either.

Sometimes Alex will wake in the middle of the night, wondering if Ethan had another seizure. Wondering if he’s  _ dead. _

It’s unsettling, to say the least.

Things almost seem to get better. The rest of Ethan’s toddler years can almost be categorized as normal. He gets better at walking, still improving, just like his fine motor skills. Each day Alex swears he gets more and more intelligent, and she’s half certain that he’ll be as smart as her by the time he turns ten. 

He only has one more seizure before he turns five, and just like every other time, the doctors tell her that nothing’s wrong. They try to shoo her away from the pediatric urgent care, which does nothing but piss her off. The only reason the doctors even send her to a specialist is because James nearly demands it.

Alex’s absolutely terrified for Ethan’s first day of school. The teachers and nurses have been told about Ethan’s occasional seizures, but that doesn’t help her nerves.

Quantico seems to run slower and slower. She gets a promotion, but Alex is barely happy about it. There’s only one thing she wants, and it’s for her baby to be healthy.

Ethan and Alex read every night together, and she swears it's the only thing that’s keeping her sane. Ethan’s onto chapter books before Alex can even process it.

She’s got herself a little genius, it seems.

Ethan has another seizure. Urgent care is tired of seeing them, and the Blake family heads to the specialist. Alex puts on a brave face for her kid, but on the inside, her heart beats faster than it ever has before.

The specialist doesn’t know what’s wrong.

The person that was supposed to give answers to her can’t say anything about Ethan. They did test after test, but there isn’t a name for the motor difficulties and seizures that her baby is experiencing. 

All the specialist says to them, is that it’s probably genetic. Probably some recessive trait that’s been hidden for generations, and Alex wants to throw up.

James takes more hours at the hospital. He offers to be on call more nights than not, and Alex doesn’t have the heart to bring it up to him. She knows all about coping mechanisms.

A week after the appointment, Alex gets her period, and cries.

What if she was the one to make her baby sick? What if it was her eggs? Maybe the reason why Ethan’s in pain all day is because of her.

She absolutely hates her body. With any less self control, Alex would plunge a knife over her uterus, preventing herself from ever bearing children again.

She loves Ethan, God she loves Ethan more than the sun loves the sky and the moon loves the stars, but she blames herself. All of this could be her fault.

That night Alex learns about how expensive hysterectomies are.

She doesn’t tell James.

Ethan has more seizures, and Alex and James are still powerless to stop them. They take Ethan to medical trial after medical trial, trying their very best to save him. James doesn’t need to be a doctor to know that his son is getting worse.

There was a bit of a high point when Ethan was six, and he was able to run, but it seems as if those days are long past them. Now Ethan’s back to struggling walking, back to things sliding off his fork and spoon.

Each month that Alex gets her period, she wants to scream.

It’s like her body is playing some cruel trick on her. It’s a joke, really. Her uterus tears off its lining to punish Alex for not bearing children, even though the single child she had is in pain because of her.

Isn’t that punishment enough?

Part of Alex is ashamed that she still gets her period, that she still has the ability to have children when there are plenty of women out there who can’t. She could be the reason that Ethan is sick, yet her body still wants her to have more children.

Ethan gets sicker.

Ethan knows what’s happening, and Alex thinks about how that might be the worst part of it all. Her child knows that he’s dying, and somehow, he’s coping with it better than his parents are.

Even in elementary school, Ethan understands how different he is. He understands what all of the hospital visits mean, and late at night he can hear his parents crying.

The Blakes are in a perfect world of pain.

Alex hates that her child knows. Well no, that’s not completely true.

Somehow, in a selfish way, Alex is glad that her kid knows he’s dying, because she doesn’t want to be the one to break the news. At the same time though, part of Alex wishes that Ethan could just live a life of ignorance.

She should’ve known by now that Blakes will always take knowledge over ignorance.

Ethan gets worse, and James takes more hours at the hospital.

Ethan gets worse, and Alex suffers through every day at work.

At the end of the school year, fourth graders get to go to the water park, and fifth graders get to go to the amusement park.

Ethan is six months away from the end of his fourth grade year when he can’t get out of bed.

They take him to the hospital, but the doctor’s can’t do anything. Specialist after specialist is called in, and Alex doesn’t even want to begin to think about the hospital bill. She’d pay the world if it meant her child was safe.

Alex’s chest pain comes back, the same way after her dad died. 

It doesn’t make sense though, because Ethan isn’t dead.

Ethan has seizure after seizure, and not even a plethora of benzos help him. More and more specialists pile in, and it’s only when they start looking at Ethan as an anomaly and science project, rather than a human being, that Alex puts her foot down.

If they can’t help Ethan, he’s not staying here.

Alex takes time off of work, refusing to take “no” as an answer. This time, she doesn’t need the help of Erin. No man would dare to argue with this part of Alex’s maternal side.

Quickly, Alex learns how to homeschool her sick kid. They learn whatever Ethan feels like learning. They start doing the crossword puzzles every day, Alex writing in the words and Ethan giving rapid-fire answers.

Ethan keeps growing. At least part of his body still wants to live, even when half of it doesn’t seem to share that same sentiment.

For every day that Ethan can’t stand up, Alex stays in bed with him.

Ethan’s fourth grade trip to the waterpark is three and a half weeks away.

He dies before it.

Alex’s world crumbles to the ground. 

The pain in her chest increases tenfold.

It’s not even a pain at this point.

It’s such a horrific feeling that there are no words for her. A linguist, who’s spent her entire life finding and interpreting words, cannot find a single one.

No matter how many languages she learns, none of them will have a word to explain how she’s feeling.

Alex’s world is gone.

James holds her tight, but it doesn’t change a single thing.

Alex holds him tight, but it doesn’t change a single thing.

Their world is gone.

The only light in the tunnel is gone.

Ethan will never have another seizure again, because he’s dead.

Ethan will never struggle to stand up again, because he’s dead.

Ethan will never scribble on a piece of paper again, because he’s dead.

Ethan will never smile again, because he’s dead.

Ethan will never laugh again, because he’s dead.

Ethan will never change the world, because he’s dead.

The Blake’s perfect son is dead.

Dead.

Gone.

Forever.

Ethan is dead.

Alex cannot think.

Alex cannot breathe.

Nothing in her life hurts like this.

The feeling of her dad dying could increase ten fold and still not even start to approach how she hurts right now.

The pain in her chest is physical, except it’s not. The doctor tells her to see a psychiatrist, and Alex never does. She doesn’t want this feeling to end, because she never wants Ethan to end.

Alex gets rid of everything in his room one day, and James holds her for the next twelve hours. Both of them skip work, and neither of them care.

Ethan is dead.

Ethan is dead.

_ Ethan is dead. _

Alex poured her heart and soul and entire life into her child’s, and now he’s dead.

She and James have outlived their own child.

It’s a feeling that she can barely comprehend.

“Grief” alone is not enough to explain how she’s feeling. Grief is child’s play compared to this pain. Grief is nothing but stubbing her toe.

This isn’t grief.

This is pure pain.

How the world keeps spinning, Alex has no clue.

Her fucking child is dead.

Dead.

Gone.

Dead.

Forever.

Dead.

James comes home one day and tells her that he’s joining Doctors Without Borders.

Alex understands all of the words in between. She’d do anything to get away from the house as well.

James still loves her, Alex knows that.

Alex still loves him, James knows that.

But after losing their kid, nothing will ever be the same.

The first period Alex gets after Ethan’s death is nothing but cruel.

Alex wants to scream, and she does.

It’s not fair. Her body can’t do this to her. It’s not fair.

It’s not fair.

Ethan is dead.

Ethan is dead, yet her body is punishing her for not being pregnant this month.

Ethan is dead.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

Alex offers to go on cases around the country, desperate to get away from the place where her son used to live, just like James.

Their relationship becomes one over the phone, but neither of them complain. After all, it was their choice for it to happen like this. Somehow, through all of the pain, Alex still loves James, the same way that he loves her.

The world is cruel, but at least they still have their love for each other.

In their tiny little family.

Each month, Alex’s body punishes her for not having more kids, even though the world has punished Alex for having one in the first place. It feels like she’s being torn apart on both ends, unable to break free from this hellish cycle.

Alex and James pour their hearts into their respective jobs, and when they both turn sour, Alex shouldn’t even be surprised. Everything that she puts her heart into ends.

While she’s working hard when the public is terrified of anthrax lined letters, one of her coworkers works messily. Erin Strauss, the woman who was supposed to be the one to always stand up for her, screws Alex over.

Alex takes the fall while Erin gets the promotion, but she doesn’t bother to stand up for herself. What’s the point, after all of this?

James eventually grows homesick and comes back home, sights of sick children burned into his retinas. They’re both broken people, and all they can do to fix it is hold each other tight.

With nothing else to do, Alex teaches at Georgetown. She stands in front of a lecture hall full of students, knowing full well that Ethan could’ve been one of them. Instead, Ethan lives in the ground.

Her curriculum is different from other professors, but her students don’t seem to mind. Despite the plethora of it in literature, Alex doesn’t assign any readings that include any dead children. If anyone notices, they don’t say anything.

Day after day, Alex goes home to her husband, who has dark circles constantly living under his eyes. He works at the hospital hours more than necessary. James leaves for work before the sun has even risen over the horizon, and Alex understands the feeling.

Her body keeps shedding the lining of her uterus. It’s unfair.

It’s so fucking unfair.

Alex tries not to think about it, but she really can’t help it.

James goes back overseas to help children so they won’t end up like Ethan. They call and video chat every other day, knowing that their love is strong, even without the components that the rest of society thinks they need.

Like a mouse to a piece of cheese over a trap, Alex finds herself back on the steps of Quantico, applying for a position that she knows she’s overqualified for.

She meets the young doctor once again, and her heart clenches at the thought.

He’s just like Ethan.

In a different world, Spencer would be Ethan. That’s the part that hurts so much.

Alex never tells James about their similarities, but she knows that her husband understands.

Every time that Spencer gets hurt, fear flows through her body. For all she knows, it’s the same as Ethan. Maybe one day when Spencer gets hurt, he won’t stand back up.

To Alex’s credit, she lasts longer than she thought she would.

But eventually, Ethan’s memories cloud over her judgement, and Alex knows that she can’t keep doing this. It’s killing her on the inside.

James comes back home, holding her tight, and Alex makes the decision to leave. She can’t lose another child, she just can’t.

So instead she abandons one.

Alex goes back to teaching, looking out at the faces of children from parents without deadly recessive traits.

The heat flashes hit, and Alex cries.

She doesn’t even know why she’s crying. Crying because now it’s certain that she can’t have children anymore, crying because she’s glad she’ll never have children, or possibly something different.

Alex reads articles about other women going through menopause. They talk about how it feels like a piece of their femininity is gone, but she doesn’t feel the same way. It doesn’t feel like a piece of her is gone, it just feels painful.

If it was a physical pain, Alex could handle it.

But it’s not.

It’s an emotional pain.

She’s never, ever going to have kids again. Her eggs are spent and her body is done trying to get her pregnant. She’ll never lose another child, because she’ll never have one in the first place.

Alex wonders if Ethan would be happy or sad for her.

Alex wonders a lot about what Ethan would think.

Although she knows he would be supportive, Alex doesn’t say anything to her husband. For one, he doesn’t have a uterus and a pair of fallopian tubes, but he also just doesn’t understand. It’s pure pain.

Knowing that she might’ve killed her child.

Sometimes Alex is glad she can’t have kids anymore.

Other times, Alex wants to beg for forgiveness, and beg for one last change. Beg and cry and promise that she won’t fuck it up this time.

It doesn’t matter what she wants though, because the universe has already decided. It hurts, knowing that she never had a say on the matter.

Alex and James did everything that they were supposed to do as parents. And all they got in return was a dead child.

“I still think about him. Every day,” Alex whispers late one night, head pressed into James’ chest.

Even without context, he understands. “I know. Me too.”

“We can’t ever have kids again.”

“Did you want to?” James asks into Alex’s hair.

“No,” She breathes. “At least, I don’t think so. But now it’s final.”

James squeezes her close. “We’ll be okay.”

They sit in silence for a few moments before Alex quietly admits, “I wish our family didn’t have to end at us.”

“We’ll all be together again at some point.”

Alex shifts to look up at her husband. “You’ve never believed in any type of afterlife.”

“I can’t think of anything else for Ethan,” James confesses. “I can’t imagine him in a place other than Heaven.”

Biting the inside of her cheek, Alex nods, “Yeah.”

“We’ll be with him again. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” She replies again, feeling tears beginning to drop from her eyes, sliding down her cheeks.

Delicately, James shifts around Alex to give her a full hug. “We’ll be with Ethan again. I promise you. I don’t know when we will, but it’ll happen.”

“I wish he was here now,” Alex cries.

“Me too.”

Between sniffs, Alex adds, “Our family was never supposed to end up like this. Everything in a family is supposed to work out.”

“We’ll end up together again,” James soothes. “I know we will. We’re still a family, no matter what. All three of us.”

“All three of us,” Alex sobs, “Our family.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi sorry please don't hate me I actually worked really hard on this
> 
> Here's my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/appalachianapologies) (AppalachianApologies) if you want to stop by and virtually punch me. I'd understand if that were the case.
> 
> I love you all very much, and I hope you all are doing okay. If you find yourself in a bad or scary situation, here are some hotlines (Please keep in mind that the written out numbers are US hotlines)
> 
> National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
> 
> If you don't live in America and need someone to talk to, here's a list of [international hotlines.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)  
> You are not alone, and I love you all <3


End file.
